My son is a huge fan of Invader Zim. A close friend of mine hand crocheted Gir as an xmas pressie for him. He’s going to be so stoked!

That amazing little man behind me? He’s mine, and I love him lots.

It’s been almost four months together with my boyfriend and girlfriend. Never thought I would be in a poly relationship, or love two people at once, but it’s true :)

Man, is Google Calendar ever awesome, so helpful for juggling multiple schedules.

I am so relieved our fluffy kitty is okay after her lily petal eating incident, sucks about the $500 vet bill….but she’s worth it.

I am looking forward to spending some time with my son tonight, we’ve been so busy lately, that snuggles with him will be awesome.

My son made a cube of marshmallows at the Boys and Girls Club. Not quite sure what the point of this project is, but he wanted me to take a picture.

A semi belated Father’s Day to all the brilliant dads out there, and the mommas pulling double duty. Be proud of your hard work, raising the next generation of amazing little people!

My beloved made this robot with his mentor in the gifted program at school.It’s constructed from old printers - the clear cylindrical tube holds a marker, you place a piece of paper on the glass panel and when turned on, the marker moves on the track and draws a picture.

I love my brilliant, wonderful little man.

Dating has been a rough go for me over the last two and a half years. It’s left me with a shit ton of amusing dating stories worthy of a book, and a shredded heart.

I took a year long break from dating, sex, the whole shebang to get myself sorted and my son and I financially stable. I felt I was ready to be out in the wide world of relationships again, that fateful day over two years ago - I like to think I’m attractive, funny, weird, compassionate and generous to those I care about. I have great taste in music, am an excellent cook and have lots of fun stuff going on in my life. I would think people would be stoked on me…. Yeah, I have my neurotic moments but considering my history I think I’m doing pretty well.

Clearly, dating is not on for whatever reason.

I’ve been on a wicked plan of self care recently, thanks to al anon reminding me that I need to focus on myself. Maintaining a healthy vegan diet,  Yoga 1- times per week, aquafit with a close friend while our kids hang, and a session in the infrared sauna at work on Sundays.

I’m losing weight, my ass looks fantastic and for the most part I feel emotionally stable….for the most part being issue. I have it all together in theory, but something is simply not together when it comes to myself and relationships. To be honest, I’m tired of being alone. I’ve been told more than once it’s the people that I’m drawn to that is the problem.  What would make the average person run screaming, is not a deterrent for me. I don’t judge people that way, I like people for all their quirks and idiosyncrasies. More often than not this is to my detriment, because while I am willing to work on my shit, these quirky people simply are not, and my heart gets trampled on.

I then find therapy in a bottle for a week or so afterwards. Sigh. If only booze could clear my mind of all the sad memories!

A close friend of mine has a theory, he’s a counselor so his word is kinda like gold to me. He feels I have a lot of amazing qualities which draw insecure people to me.Because I am a generous person, I want to use all the progress I’ve made as a person to help them grow and be happy. Where as in time they feel threatened by me and want to drag me down to their level.

I feel like the biggest dork ever for letting this get to me over and over again. Sigh.

I’m struggling more after this round of dating than I have in a while. Caught between whether cutting ties permanently is best, or investing time in “something” that I’m hoping will take a positive turn in the future, on so many levels.It would be easier if I didn’t care, but I do. I was able to draw the line not that long ago, with someone I thought about for over a year after we parted. I realized while I had changed, he had not and being a part of his life again would cause me so much grief.

It’s so hard for me to be not to look at someone and be like,  you’re awesome, and so smart, and make me laugh and I like spending time with you….but you’re fucked emotionally and while I am willing to work on getting it together, you are not so much. I want to give people so many chances, part of me feels that people really do deserve the chance. But to what end? I am what I am, you read a dating profile and it is exactly me. To criticism things that are important to me is bullshit, especially when this is all known coming into the situation. But this probably comes back to what my counselor friend was saying.

Fuck, I don’t love exercising all the time, and sometimes being vegan sucks, and I certainly have days that I would love to spend in bed crying…but this is what a GROWNUP has to do to be healthy. Being a negative asshole will bring nothing good into your life, even if good to you means the occasional crazy-over-the-top night of debauchery. I love those nights as much as the next, I also know that it is impossible to live that life constantly. Seen Party Monster? Exactly, nuff said. I have been that negative asshole, still am sometimes…but for every time I do that I get slammed back with a bunch of drama that I don’t want. As fucking cheesy as it is, be the change you WANT.

While I am proud of myself for realizing that I need to focus on, and take care of myself, I need to learn to better distinguish what is my shit, and what is someone else’s. I realize now in this whole path to self care, that you shouldn’t have to take it to extremes to maintain your emotional and physical wellness because of someone else. Because at the end of the day, I do have an awesome life.

I see more boobies and glitter than the average dude, I still do the walk of shame after hooking up with someone in the back room at a party, I travel constantly and have wacky parties where my friends make out with each other.

BUT, I am also the mother to one of the most wonderful people in the world, the love of my life and ever amazing super punk rock boy. I love meal planning and researching recipes, crafting hair pretties, watching my son on his skateboard, decorating my apartment and having tea and wicked conversation with my delightful friends.

I deserve to be treated with respect, and appreciated for ALL the things that make me awesome.I am not simply something pretty to look at and bang from behind.

I am glad that the down time between bouts of dating, and therapy in a bottle are becoming less and less. In time, I will get the relationship aspect of my life sorted as much as the rest, and this will stop happening.

Onward and upward…blah blah blah